Asa's Journal

hm..

2004-05-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

song's name was "Hm.."
like a bee
the sound squize me

Hm.. hm.. hm..
go.. go.. away..

your sound scatters me

Free your mind!

2004-02-21T06:13:00.000-08:00

actually every problem is simple
but we always make it worst because our minds
think too much.

if we erase the sub-problem,
we get the main problem.
and the main problem is only ONE PROBLEM:
it could be about choosing things, a yes-no question, an essay..

but why our mind make it sounds hard?
why we see the small things and not concentrate on the big one?

maybe the answer is:
because we are complicated.
a very complicated creation.

and we always fall to the same trap, are we? :)
that's what happened to me. how's your?

Second Dream

2004-02-15T23:40:00.000-08:00

In this second dream
I saw a young girl intimidate
in her school society

she's smart, friendly
but everybody avoid her
with no reason.
somebody even tried to rape her
in his car

at last, she cried
asking for all people
what's wrong with them
what's wrong with her

Feel's Like B*tch

2004-02-14T20:47:00.000-08:00

I feel like a b*tch
hungry for your love
but you role your own game
I don't understand.

I feel like sick
all things turn to bittersweet
someone must kill one of us

Damn!

Feel So Black

2004-02-06T09:04:00.000-08:00

3 different friends speak up their mind: leave him!
3 different friends whom not knowing one each other..
and maybe they are right.
maybe.

I just think that on 15 or saturday (near to 15 feb), I must say goodbye again..
this is not containing what my friend said on him. this is my own decision. I have think that someday if nothing goes on, I must "break up" (though he's not my bf yet) him.

he is a good guy, but good is not enough -- I think.
I need him to be able to speak up his mind.
he looks like to running away..

from the "big say goodbye" on august last year, I think there's no change.
if any change, it's only about 1%.
I felt like going no where.

A 1000 for He's So Far Away

2004-02-01T11:11:00.000-08:00

A little happiness when today I actually cry (almost) without reason.

You. Am I dreaming too much?
ah, the more about you -- the blue.

Broken

2004-02-01T09:14:00.000-08:00

My friend said, I might be hope that he loved me.
Maybe she was right..
I was hope too much..

My resolution

2004-01-22T12:32:00.000-08:00

My resolution for this year: up-dating my blogs layout!

Tanpa Rasa

2004-01-22T11:51:00.000-08:00

Tanpa rasa, rasanya..
tidak ada yang bisa menakik yang limbung ini
semakin tak berasa..
namamu nyaris jadi nisan.

hampir tak berasa..
aku berguling jatuh. jatuh jauh ke bumi..

Sorry, no translation but the story is about my feeling about him right now

New Friend

2004-01-22T11:24:00.000-08:00

Got a new friend from Malay. She is talking about LOVE matters.

Anyway, I just realize how long I didn't update my blog.
The problem, I sometimes too lazy :) and many part of the story had written in Lovestories.com

Hei, yesterday a Chinese New Year. Hm, I missed my friends from that office.

2003-09-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

Smell of the Night
(it's inspired from a friend's story about flower market)

the smell of the flower.. the flower we called Sedap Malam
the smell of the night.. maybe it was how i should translate it.

when it comes to your lungs, your mellow will be vanish..
slowly.. slowly.. like fresh air..

oh the smell of the night, put this sadness away from me
make me close my eyes and feel the extacy of yours
take me to another place of my mind

lo! the smell of the night..
stay with me for a week..
call my name, wrap my tears..
lo! in the warm of the night..

2003-09-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

to virus:

i have no advice but I know that feeling. I've been there.
i can't write too much right now.. in fact, i can't write it here now. but i will. i'll contact you by other way.

2003-09-10T06:55:00.000-07:00

open letter for ms. asa

dear asa,

i'm cul-de-sac.
you know how bad to feel that way. i let go something in my life and i feel: freedom, joyful, and sadness. sometimes it came together but sometimes one-by-one touching me. i lost many thing in this few months -- i can't see the reality anymore.

what do you feel when you let something go away from your heart? do you feel the way I feel? do you laugh while you cry? do you smile while you were angry? what do you do? do you sit and silent? and you watch with doing nothing? do you wanna cried out but it hang at your mind?
do you ever hurt someone -- someone whom really precious for your life?

asa, every word is layering my mind. too many sentence vanished quickly. i can't resist any longer. i feel so tired. tired with my life. tired with everything surround me. i even have no dream anymore. i'm boring with destiny. why should we life in destiny if destiny is created only to make you lost more?

I hurt someone to make him free: free from my anger, free his mind of feeling guilty, free us to walk in better way. but he doesn't know, doesn't understand..

thank God, it's been more than 1000

2003-08-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

it's 1011 today for And All your wishes come by. i surprised. thank God. I made something that people love..

"The Call" has several comments. I'm happy i'm not alone having that feeling. thank you for you who has comment my work. to other who want to share that feeling with me, I'm open. :) but don't be surprise if i only write you once a week because that is the only time i have (saturday and or sunday). but believe me, i will reply it..

How can..

2003-08-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

999 for And All Wishes Come By?

fiuh..
sounds weird. it's really weird.
if dhei didn't tell me by chat, i wouldn't know that.

never though that the poets will get hits. in the same time, I saw him there. another weird thing, right?

anyway, tell me by e-mail (asapagi@yahoo.com) -- do you think it's a good idea to put tag-board so you can comment me there or not? dhei suggest me to do that and she's ready to link it for me (ah, my only one webmastah..).

2003-08-09T06:07:00.000-07:00

A friend story of Ami

he loves her so deep. She feel just like river flow. not love, not hate. just like that. then they broke up. she didn't feel sad. just like friend.

she said she doesn't understand her feeling..

2003-07-27T05:16:00.000-07:00

Oups! I must make a confession, I think.

My relationship with my friend that I must said "No!" -- it's getting worst. Now we don't even talk because unfortunattely -- something stupid happened several months ago and put us into a very fatal misunderstanding. And I had said sorry for twice and get no response so I think -- well, maybe karma, maybe not.

Ok, that's my confession and see u soon. :)

2003-07-27T05:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry not writing both in Lovestories.com nor here because I have "serious trouble" with life :) but come get relax and I promise I'll write again. soon.

2003-03-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

And somebody said, "how could you do that?"

and I said, "I think I like him, but better to let him go."

It's not easy to be "east".

2003-02-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

Halt the Rain

I think today i've done something really bad.
I think I had hurt somebody's heart. but I can't manage myself not to do that.
I wish I don't have to, but I thank I did.

sometime, maybe, I think -- I don't have to excuse of what I did.

I know what you think then -- but sorry, you don't understand
and I don't need your understanding.

I even forgot how to cry.
Isn't a shame?
no, yes.. I feel like to cry but dry is my eyes.

It might be rain out there
but no water had fallen to the ground.
I felt so old. so old, as the age of the earth.

it is.

Asa
jpn/06/2/2003
0:34

2003-01-10T10:20:00.000-08:00

since i made a mistake and i didn't realize it, i'd never write. but now i start again! :)

2002-10-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

Wake me up

Wake me up,
wake me up from this suffering dream
wake me up and comfort me

awakening,
my eyes surrounds the surface
wondering the dark of my room

wake me up,
wake me up from crying loud
wake me up and don't leave me

Jpn, 21/10/2002.
0:20

When I lied..

Love has dissolved.
or at least that's what should be happened.
but I couldn't lie myself
too many stuff stayed

one day I see by my eyes
none of mine you throw to your trash
I though you might be played
but I believed then

Then I lied to you
proudly said that I had throw anything about you
I convinced you that was true.

if some day you will know the truth
you may be painful
but all I did (is only) to make you
walk your way
to make you forget the sorrow
to make you leave me
(and maybe) to make you hate
and make you think
that there's nothing left for you

All I did might be done
but I lived in sorrow

Jpn, 21/10/2002.
0:58

2002-08-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

Lost

A star. A moon.
Blank on my mood.
A jar. Some water.
Bittersweet of taste.
Speechless. Soundless.
My fingers turn into ice.
I can't live with the paper
without you behind the shadow
and I feel so poor
to wait my mind could think again
I'm lost.
Lost of you.
Then I lost the way.
So I turn to dust.

Jkt, 17/08/2002. 04:19 WIB

I miss you and still I love you..

2002-08-16T13:54:00.000-07:00

and at last he met God.
I think it was good for him.

Anyway, several days ago I must see her there. And I don't like it. but I can't tell anybody.
We didn't speak, except one conversation, then, silent.
I though, maybe her friend's know that.
Sorry, but i still feel strange about you.

2002-07-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

3 days ago I dreamed of him. he was sleeping, i should wake him up.. but he gets angry..
what that's mean?
then, a day after that, i try to say hallo, but sounds he didn't really wanna respon on me..

2002-06-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

I still don't understand. Which part was the lie?
who lied to you, he or his friend?

why did he blame you? didn't we ALREADY know that he (the dead man) lied to you?

i'm so sorry to what you feel, but I'm confusing by pieces of your story.

but one thing.. if you cannot forgive him now.. let the time erase it. I won't asked you to forgive him. for it's your right.. but someday, you HAVE to forgive. even it takes years..

yes everybody has heart. but they treat their heart in different way. if we measure, it gives different points. if he played to you, maybe this death is an end you should thank.

at last, the truth is coming.

Blue, you just need more time..

Asa.

--- baby blue wrote:
> i don't know anymore.. all this time i thought it
> was
> real, but it wasn't.. it's all just lies.. nothing
> but
> lies.. that's why he never send his real pic, that's
> why he never called.. and all this time he's blaming
> me cos it wasn't me who answers his calls.. i hate
> him.. and his friend asking me to forgive him..
> forgive and forget, cos he's dead.. how can they ask
> me that.. it's hurt, it's painful.. do they know
> what
> it feels like to know that the person u love all
> this
> time is lying to you??
> just because u met them on irc, doesn't make u
> entitled to lie to them.. they're real person, they
> have heart, they have feeling who the hell give u
> the
> right to hurt them
>
>
>
>
> --- Asa Pagi wrote:
> > dear, blu3y
> >
> > who's this guy? is he coming from the past or
> > someone
> > new? what should you afraid of? just follow your
> > life,
> > don't be afraid,.. nothing you should be afraid..
> >
> > Asa.
> >
> > >
> > > Their message to you:
> > > i miss someone.. don't know why i feel this
> way..
> > > and i'm so afraid.. afraid that i'm going to
> lose
> > > him like i before..

2002-06-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

He's So Far Away..

I feel him far..
and every day he goes far and far away..
then I feel like I'm losing him..
and somehow he will never come back..

I feel the wind stolen him..
in the night I felt asleep..
I didn't hear any voice..
except my own breath..

I'm afraid to be alone..
in the ocean of the dark..
where memories are burried..
and I'm afraid I can't stand
if someday he will be back here

Don't take my memories!
please just let me rest with it
if you took everything away..

Asa.
Jkt. 02/06/2002. 21:06 WIB

He's vanished.. something took him away from my side..

2002-05-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

When The Paranoid Plans To Die
by asapagi

I was phoned by my friend who you know close to "Love Paranoid", and she said he wants to suicide. Just minutes ago.

She was panic and tried to talk with him (until I write this journal, he still alives). He looks desperate. He only said he was tired, he was boring. She didn't know his true reasons even she asked several times.

So she asked me, "So what can I do if he really wants to do that? It sounds like.. he wasn't make a joke. because he privately asked my opinion of his suicide."

Her friend asked her to contact his friend to "watch" him and not let him being alone. So she contact his friend as long as she can do (she hope they believe her). This friend also told her that if it happen, it's not her guilty. For these 2 suggestion, I agree.

She can't make him make-up his mind. and she has no idea what will be happen then. She doesn't wanna loose him that way. Because she still believe he can try another way..

she also said that maybe, she was the first person who knows it (Though he also write it in his online journal). She was confused, and didn't know what to do coz this Paranoid lives in other city. Even she can go there, she can't stay there more than 9 hours. So, she only can depand on his friends. She said, if he really wants to do that, it might be after tomorrow night (he said he wants to watch a drama that had been written by his friend before). It means, the time is still not enough for her to be there. He also talked about burried and some "scarry" words that she won't like to listen to.

She felt guilty for some reason that I will write later.

Asa.
Jkt, 15/05/2002. 3:06 WIB

It also makes me confused. None of us ever face a situation like this before. Another friend of her (N) had promised to asked her friend (student of psychology) for her advise.

What will be happen next? I hope he won't do that. Sorry, but this time I am deeply speechless...

2002-05-19T02:46:00.000-07:00

Terbanglah Lelakiku

Terbanglah Lelakiku
Dirimu yang selalu berlari
takkan pernah berhenti
sampai mati menghujammu

Terbang, terbanglah Lelakiku
Padamu aku pasti merindu

Lelakiku,
aku tak tahu apakah kita akan sua
(akankah?)
dan tak tahu apakah kau masih mengenangku
(mungkinkah?)
kuharap sebongkah kedamaian kan kau temui
kuharap suatu saat kau berhenti
dan berdiam dengan kekasih murni

Terbanglah Lelakiku
Seribu bintang akan mengiringimu
rohku telah kutitipkan padanya
jangan lihat ke belakang!
jangan kau lihat rupaku kini
pergilah dengan angin
rohku telah kutitipkan padanya
jangan lihat ke belakang!
terbanglah, dan temukan impianmu..

Asa.
Jkt, 16/05/2002. 21:27 WIB.

jarang kutulis sesuatu dalam bahasa ini..

2002-05-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

my world is an extraordinary world to understand. for the words are few, and you must read my eyes..

2002-04-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

hm....

2002-04-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

a very tired day.
yesterday, i met one of my reader in IM. and she asked me for help (this part will be write soon).
but the point is, i didn't know what i have done. well, is that right thing to do?

other thing,...
I feel like missing someone, but not knowing who..
or how, or why... and for what...
but My Forgotten Man (I was write about him with a tittle: Wounded Man),
how is he?
anyway, ladyCath seems enjoy the Wounded Man. for me, writing it.. just like singing it inside.
oh my wounded man, my forgotten man,... where are you?

2002-04-03T23:14:00.000-08:00

And All Wishes Come By..

Happy B'day dear Love,
may tommorow shines your day
and happiness surrounding
and all wishes come by

Happy B'day dear Love,
leave all wounds behind
for the dreams bright
and all wishes come by

Asa.
Jkt, 04/4/2002. 13:57

2002-03-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

it's been a long time not writing. too many things happen, and I think, it just happened so fast.
so I can't breathe for a second, for many jobs and task must be done.
well, some of them had done yet, but.. still many things are waiting..

and I saw some people had launch their book .. and it makes me jealous.. :)
when will it happen to me?
it may yet, Mr Frodo, it may...
(so Lords of the rings!)

***Can I meet him there? all of my friends say that.. if I could go there even I told them that the meeting is about job,
they kept saying that something will be happened between us..
Do they right..?***

Several days ago,.. I had a very beautiful dream.. it was so beautiful.. it made me feel so peaceful..
it was like Lords of t/ Rings.. but.. it was different... I can't remember what it was all about..
but I really enjoy that dream..

2002-03-08T10:17:00.000-08:00

Running Seasons

Winter and Spring
are names in quiet
who's looking for one each other
but only meet behind the margin

Every year they make a promise
to come and wait
by the sign of the sky
by the wind that they sent

When the time is coming
they only meet for a moment
not to speak but to watch
secretly talk by their eyes

Winter and Spring
always run to reach their love
though never have enough time
to hold and kiss goodbye

Asa
08/3/2002. 00:35 WIB

though never meet, their love is everlasting

Yesterday, I dream about AD, and it's not a nightmare,.. why now my dream about him wasn't scary me? why it looks about love?
I saw he holds my hand.. and the past dream, about 3 times.. are same like that... is that mean the end?

2002-03-02T11:33:00.000-08:00

Somebody Might Be Hurt

Dear love,
I feel so cold since we never talk.
otherwise, I think someday I must responsible to the way
I've chosen before.
I don't know what makes me interesting to this problem
but maybe, because it's very different thing.
When I met this man, I know something extraordinary story will happen
but I do know too, it needs a lot of time to be done.

My work for him, should only for temporary time..
somehow, someday, I must blast when he finds his way
for another life, another place.
It might hurts except he opens his mind.
I hope, I do right things.

Love,
should I stands in there?

2002-03-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not so good during these days.
It might me, I made some mistakes I could bear.
I don't know what I did was right, or wrong.
Neither if I told the truth,
could somebody accept?

I was giving someone a big secret.
Is it right to do?
I started "killing" someone's heart again.
May he forgives me someday -- when he knows..

2002-02-22T10:01:00.000-08:00

She Wants to Help A Paranoid

My friend meet someone who had a very long pain in his life.
They never met, except in mIRC.
At first conversation, he told her that he had ever tried to suicide, but failed.
After that, he never tried except.. he loves to hurt his body.
My friend knows well that he had emotional disorder.
Emotion that had been burried since he was a kid.

He told her clearly, he's paranoid for the rest of his life.
and once she asked him, did anybody knew about that.. he said, she's the first.
(I mean, about the suicide matters..)

She tracked him out. Trying to find his past. and yet she still not understood.
at first, she though that he is kind person which is having no friend in his life
but she's wrong. He had a lot of friend. It's look like.. he has a normal life..
except he had live alone since 16 years, apart from his family.. as his choice.
he is humorist, but sometimes sensitive. That's what my friend said.

Then I asked her, "don't you feel afraid?"
She answer, "I don't know. I don't think he will do something bad to me. I think he just do anything bad to himself."
I asked again, "How could you sure about that? You even never know him."
She smiled, "I had shoot his heart. I can guess what he was looking for."
"And that was..?"
"Love. A general love. Family, friends, lover,.. he lost love from family, then something happened to his gf. I don't know well but maybe she was die."
"He reacted to what you said?"
"Sure. I was right. It shocked him."

"What next you wanna do?"
"I don't know," she stopped for a second, "maybe keep standing in a place where he can talk to me."
We were quiet for a while, then she continues, "I.. I just want to accompany him finding what he's looking for.
At least, if he never find it, he knows he actually never been alone. Maybe it takes years to erase his delusion.
But I believe, someday he will find it. Maybe there's a time to let him see that ..
if he is LOOKING for love, so someone out there was LOOKING for him."

Asa.
Jkt. 23/2/2002. 01:00 WIB.

Do you agree to her decision to keep help him there? please let me know.

2002-02-21T09:34:00.000-08:00

I talked to him. he said he was joking and not remember what he said
but what he did.. had left me a little deep pain..

2002-02-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

Coming Back Home

"I'm coming home, Lovestories.com!"
and I think, that was the first thing I can say

I actually not knowing from whom I've got this opportunity.
For him/her, thanks.
My promise is to keep writing here.
and to Alanna, thanks too :)

For almost a month, I "travel" to other places, store my works --
which have been write here before --
in other web like best-love-poems.com and thestarlitecafe.com (thanks to ladycath!).
And I think, this little journey also gives me something in my life.

But I don't know why so hard to leave this place.
It's my home, my first home.
And I'm happy to come back home.
I still "walk" to other webs as my "villas"..
but where else best place but home?
Now I can sleep with my pillow again.
:)

Asa
Jkt. 21/2/2002. 01:38 WIB

written as I written in Lovestories.com

2002-02-19T11:09:00.000-08:00

I saw him again. and I don't know what I suppose to do. And I just watching him talking to his friends..
I though I can bear, but I don't.. I must tried so hard to keep my eyes dry.
It's really like.. If only I can talk ..
but.. he said he won't be near me, right?..
Maybe he was right.. maybe it's the time.
it was something I always wishpered for.. but why when it happened, it makes me really hurt?
maybe I just felt not ready.. yet, everything are always like a time bomb.
I never guess he would say that until it was.

***
anyway, as I want to cry for sadness,
some happiness comes on the same time..
it sounds like, I'm on the list of membership by secret pal in Lovestories.com..
and for whoever it is.. I would like to thank..
because it means a lot for me..
and it will help me during my thesis works..

thanks, God..

2002-02-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

The Moment Behind

Somehow we met
sitting in the same place
you were so quiet
while the wind splash once

then you smiled
while I told you about
nostalgia books
but you just smiled

then I asked,
"Where is everybody now?
Are we only the one
who keep standing here?"

and you said,
"Everybody lives their lives.
They won't think
except their lives."

Somehow we're silence
and then I realize
everybody has changed
and I missed them
in the way we left behind..

Asa.
Jkt. 10/2/2002. 23:00 WIB.

"do they miss me?"

2002-02-18T02:34:00.000-08:00

sudah berminggu-minggu aku tidak menulis. menulis dalam ketenangan dan kesendirian yang dalam. sudah berminggu-minggu ada ratusan kata yang tersumbat dalam malam-malam yang berlalu, yang kemudian redup di pagi hari.

hari ini aku melihat meerkat di kalahari. tapi kalahari itu ada di mana? dan melihat meerkat yg pelan2 habis hingga tinggal satu, membuat aku.. merasa jadi satu meerkat yang tertinggal di gurun sunyi yang harus selalu waspada dg kesendirian itu sendiri.

sebenarnya aku pengen nangis, tapi tidak bisa. mungkin belum saatnya untuk bisa. tapi memang lagi banyak beban di sini. ada dari masa lalu, ada dari rumah, ada dari mana-mana dan aku tidak bisa lepas satu2 kecuali membuat semuanya diam di tempatnya masing-masing.

apakah dunia memang sesepi keramaian itu sendiri? aku cuma meerkat yang tertinggal sendiri..

2002-02-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

Wah, good news. nDhei had finished my homepage. :)
I missed him, but he's never there..
.. Ogh my God. he just came.. what I suppose to do? :( Now, why did he do something I hope won't do?
God pleasee help... :(

2002-02-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

oh God! At last! I tried so hard to get in..

2002-02-16T05:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sick since yesterday. feel like bittersweet :(